


Even if it is forever, I can not erase you.

by greysora



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Changkyun is a sad baby, Jooheon is the friend we all need, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-13 14:48:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17489957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greysora/pseuds/greysora
Summary: You're my one, you're my world.Save me.





	1. Underwater.

“Let's--let's not keep doing this.” Though whispered, the words echoed so very loudly in Changkyun's mind. He froze, and it seemed that everything around them also stopped. Time was broken, as was his heart.

“Keep doing what?” He knew. Yet he still asked, hopelessly wishing his thoughts were wrong.

“This.” Kihyun lifelessly gestured between them, “Let's stop this here, Kyun. We're only hurting each other.”

Changkyun felt numb. Although things between them had felt rocky lately, he would have never expected Kihyun to suggest this. He'd thought they could overcome any hardships together. It had never crossed his mind that one day it may come down to _this_. He felt foolish.

“Why.” He all but whispered weakly.  

The man before him--his _lover_ \- ran fingers through his hair, clenching his teeth. A gesture that was clear as day to him; frustration.

 

“Because, Changkyun, don't you see? We're not good for each other. Being together isn't making us happy, it's _destroying_ us.”

At that, Changkyun involuntarily staggered backwards. Almost as though the weight of Kihyun's words hit him like a blow . His tongue felt heavy. No point in talking, nothing would change Kihyun's mind once it was set anyways.

 

A beat passed. Then, two.

 

Then, an “Okay” left hanging in the silence between them.

 

And just like that, Kihyun left him to drown alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun sighs.

 

It's nearing four in the morning and he can't seem to get these lyrics right, all his attempts are looking fruitless. An entertainment company requested a song based on a breakup, written from a hurt person's point of view. At first, the songwriter wanted to refuse adamantly with an apology. Because, a year later he was still healing.

However, a good friend of his--Jooheon-- persuaded him to take up the offer in hopes of helping himself find some sort of closure.

 

The words jotted down messily on a paper stare back at him. It's been over a year, yet the memories of Kihyun are always still fresh in his mind. Changkyun hates it, how he can easily picture his ex-boyfriend's toothy grin. He hates that it still makes him _feel_ things. He hates that, whilst Kihyun is gone and living, Changkyun stays stuck, in time.

 

A frustrated exhale leaves his lips as his vision begins to blur. Exhaustion seeps into his bones and he places his pen down onto the desk. It's the same old procedure, he's grown tired of thinking about Kihyun and crying. Changkyun wants to break out of this, this hell-like loop but he's too weak to.

 

Many say in a relationship, the love is equal. Changkyun doesn't think so. There's always more love, more attachment coming from one side, he believes. And it's one who loves more that hurts much more.

He guesses he loved too much.

 

The tears continue to stream down his sunken cheeks, but he makes no effort to wipe them away. Or to cease them, not that he could anyways. This wound is not one to heal, he figures. But that might be because he rubs salt in it nearly every waking moment, with thoughts of the other man.

 

It's suffocating, he feels like he's trying to breathe underwater. To him, it feels like Kihyun pushed him over the edge of a cliff and left him for the waters to embrace. Yet not one cell within him can muster any sort of anger towards the other man. And as much as he tries, Changkyun _knows_ he can't, not when he was so good to him.

 

Kihyun was good, too good for him. It wasn't that Changkyun was a bad boyfriend either. But their dynamics were clashing. Just like the two seas can not merge, Changkyun and Kihyun, the people they were (are) could never. At least not as lovers. Their love for each other, as strong as it was (is), would eventually shatter one of them. It was a matter of power, something neither were willing to give up. There's only so much powerplay the two could take. And Kihyun endured enough.

 

Changkyun picks up his pen. He writes, brimming with emotions. The pen flies across the paper and the boy looks almost robotic. The lump in his throat, the emotions he's been holding in seem to be his sudden source of motivation.

 

A ring is heard- his mobile phone- but he pays it no mind. Eyes unfocused, Changkyun continues to write. The mobile continues to ring and then, a buzz is heard.

Changkyun doesn't care, he's too engrossed with the words on the tear-stained paper.

 

Changkyun isn't one to speak his feelings. Jooheon and Hyungwon kept a careful eye on him after the break up but he was fine. Or so he looked okay. In hopes of avoiding the subject of the topic, he continued his daily life routines as if Yoo Kihyun never existed. It concerned his friends and he ignored the worried looks they shared when they thought he wasn't looking.

It was only at night, once he would bid his flatmates goodnight and make sure his was alone, that the walls he built would crumble.

 

But right now, as his hand trembles over the last sentence he's written, he feels empty. The piece of paper before him holds everything that was caged inside of him, leaving him numb and unsure of what happens next.

 

As if to answer that, his phone rings once more. This time, Changkyun glances over at the caller ID, knowing who it is anyways.

 

“Changkyun? Is everything alright?”

 

Changkyun remains silent, not trusting his voice.

 

“Kyunie, you're not still at the studio are you?”

 

Silence.

 

“Changkyun,” Jooheon sounds tired, “please answer me.”

 

Changkyun bites his lip.

“Hyung.” he whispers, voice hoarse.

 

Jooheon hesitates at how broken his friend sounds.

 

“Do you...Changkyun, do you want me to pick you up?”

 

The boy looks over at his desk and a sudden wave of weariness takes over him.

He nods before he realises Jooheon can't exactly see him.

 

“Yes, please.”

 

Jooheon hums, “get your things and wait for me downstairs, okay? You've done well today, Kyun. Hyung loves you.”

 

Tears gather in his eyes at the words and Changkyun gulps.

 

“Thank you,” he says in a quiet voice, “I love you too.”

 

He cuts the call and moves to stand up. Gathering his belongings, he crosses the room. Hesitantly, he turns back. His eyes flicker to the lyrics he wrote earlier and just stares. To him, it feels like he's leaving a part of him behind. A weight he's carried around for too long that it's moulded into him. But it's been long enough, he can't carry this forever.

 

He needs to move on. But he _can't_ . Or at least, not on his own. His wound needs more than a bandage and alot more time to heal. He's tired of it all, though. Tired of what he's become, tired of simply being.

 

Inhaling, Changkyun opens the door as he flicks off the light. He smiles bitterly to himself, takes one glance back and closes the door behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> _“Tell me how to forget you and baby tell me how to stop loving you_
> 
> _Do you still love me too? Or am I asking to you just like a fool?_
> 
> _I'm tryna be good, I thought I'll be great_
> 
> _I thought everything'll be okay, but everything wasn't_
> 
> _Stay here. Please stay for a bit so that I can breathe again.”_


	2. Honestly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun's pov.

“He's still hooked up on you, you know.”

  
Kihyun knows. He knows, but it isn't his fault Changkyun hasn't moved on. Everyone and their father probably knows. It isn't much of a secret with the way Changkyun eyes follow his every movement whenever they're spotted in the same area. Whether it be the local convenience store, or a group hangout that Changkyun has actually showed up to (because of course, they happen to have the same group of friends), or even the moments Kihyun has to record over at the company Changkyun works under. He stares and flickers of longing, pure sadness- sometimes even a whisper of love- glimmer in his gaze. Kihyun makes a point to avoid his eyes at all times possible.

  
Because where Changkyun's still radiate love, Kihyun's are void of any feeling.

 

“I know,” he eventually mutters, “but what can I do, really?”

Minhyuk squirms in his place across Kihyun's thighs, the movie playing on TV is long forgotten.

“There isn't much you can do,” he agrees, “but this whole thing is really taking a toll on all of us.”

  
He isn't wrong. Ever since the whole confrontation happened, the tension between the group of friends was thicker than ever. It was obvious Jooheon and Hyungwon immediately appointed themselves as Changkyun's guardians, shooting Kihyun the scariest looks they could muster. It didn't actually scare Kihyun, what scared him was the amount of hatred they held for him.

Minhyuk, as Kihyun's best friend, didn't leave his side much. Although he believes Kihyun could have done a better job at ending things, he was relieved his best friend was out of a relationship that did him more bad than good.

Hoseok and Hyunwoo however, were designated middlemen. The two were left to carry a conversation and awkwardly attempt to lighten the atmosphere each time they hung out together. Which was also occurring less and less.

 

  
To sum things up, they were falling apart.

 

“I know our breakup wasn't smooth,” Kihyun winces, “I was angry. And so, so _tired_.”

  
He pauses, but his fingers continue to run through the locks of blonde hair on his lap.

  
“I apologised after. He-- he's still in love with me, Minhyuk. But I feel nothing.”

  
“And that isn't your fault, Ki. You went back and apologised, you spoke things through and agreed it was best to remain friends. Breakups aren't easy and Changkyun is clearly still recovering. Maybe he just needs more time. Or a holiday, a break from everything.”

  
“We all need a holiday.”

  
The blonde hums in response, and the two fall into a short-lived silence.

  
“I miss him.” Mumbles Minhyuk, “I miss all of them.”

  
Me too, Kihyun thinks. He idly wonders whether it would have been best to remain in an unhappy relationship if it meant his friends would have been okay today. He thinks back to a time when they were happy and in love. When Kihyun would smile like a fool at Changkyun's starry eyes whenever he rambled on about something. A time when he would sometimes cease whatever he was getting done and simply stare at Changkyun, eyes shining with adoration.

  
He can't remember the exact point he stopped smiling and began nodding at Changkyun's stories, distracted. Nor can he recall when the flame of admiration in eyes burned out.

 

He just knows that, as of right now, not even the smallest of ashes remain.

 

 

 

 

  
It's late, half past one in the morning, when Kihyun finally stumbles into his own bed. Minhyuk had fallen asleep on him earlier and carrying him to bed proved to be a mission.

  
He lies awake, although his body protests with exhaustion. He glances over at his desk, where his laptop lays. Earlier, he wrote lyrics to a new b-side song he's to record. He's hesitant to release it, it's more personal to him as _Kihyun_ , and not the singer he's known to be.

  
Because months ago, producer and lyricist Im Changkyun, wrote the popular and heartbreaking song, Underwater. Immediately, Kihyun knew this song was for _him_.

  
The bottle of emotions- frustration, exhaustion and the likes- Kihyun was still screwing shut tipped over. The song he wrote a while ago was titled Honestly. It was void of any comfort, a blunt message clear as day.

Kihyun isn't in love with Changkyun anymore.

 

 

He lets out an exhale. And decides.

He'll need to speak to Changkyun alone in hopes of giving the other some more closure. He's tired of causing a mess between his friends and he'll need to solve things with Changkyun first.

  
Before he can back out cowardly, Kihyun picks up his phone and shoots Changkyun a message, asking to meet him. He barely manages to put his phone back down before it vibrates with a reply from the other, who agrees with no questions. It pains Kihyun when realises Changkyun still trusts him so much.

  
But tomorrow, he decides, he'll tell him honestly.

 

 

 

 

 

>   
>  **_Should I be honest?_ **  
>  **_You know too, that I feel nothing_ **  
>  **_When I see you._ **  
>  **_Should I be honest?_ **  
>  **_Don’t be surprised,_ **  
>  **_I’m gonna make you cry._ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I be honest?  
> (You know too, that I feel nothing  
> When I see you)  
> Should I be honest?  
> Don’t be surprised,  
> I’m gonna make you cry) Monsta x's Honestly.
> 
> do tell me what u think :)


	3. From Zero.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He closes the book, burning it. Watches the flames sing goodbye and the ashes promise a better story.

The contrast between the freezing wind and warm cafe air shoots right through Changkyun as he walks into the designated location. Sharp eyes carrying heavy bags dart around the coffee shop, searching for a familiar head of brown hair. Some of the tension leaves his body as he realises Kihyun isn't here yet. He deliberately arrived earlier, deciding being earlier would have been much better than walking in on Kihyun already seated and prepared. Changkyun takes a seat at the furthest corner, tucked away from most people. He figures their conversation will be something they wouldn't want people to eavesdrop on.

He turns to stare out of the window, leaning his head on his hand, elbow against the smooth wood of the table.

Anxiety seeps into his bones as his eyes follow random cars and people passing by. Why did Kihyun want to meet? His text was vague, a simple, _can we meet at your favourite cafe tomorrow_? It aches Changkyun's heart, that Kihyun still remembered his favourite place. They haven't spoken properly much since the break up, Changkyun can barely bring himself to meet the other's deep brown eyes. So for why they were suddenly meeting? He can't come up with a reason. And it's stressing him out, way too much. Changkyun doesn't like surprises. He likes to know what is going on beforehand. It's one thing they have in common.

He gnaws at his bottom lip, racking his brain for something. Anything that could make Kihyun want to suddenly see him. Was he being too heartbroken? Was Kihyun going to snap at him to stop staring at him when he thought he wasn't looking? But Changkyun knows Kihyun would never. However, in his state of uneasiness, it seems possible.

  
He takes a quick glance at his phone. It reads 11:59 just as the doorbell chimes, signalling an entrance. Changkyun's head snaps up and he locks eyes with Kihyun. Who smiles, gentle. _Easy_. The corner of his lips lift slightly in his own attempt at returning the gesture. It looks awkward but Kihyun doesn't mention anything. Instead, he seats himself down across Changkyun. The scarf wrapped around his neck seems to engulf him and Changkyun's feels a bittersweet tinge in his heart. If this was before, he would have reached over and unwrapped his scarf, placing a soft kiss on his lips in the process. He would have taken Kihyun's small hands in his own to warm them up, all the while smiling gently. But this wasn't then, this was after. And a part of Changkyun feels numb and dead.

  
“Did you wait long?” Kihyun breathes out.

He shakes his head, “I just got here.” A lie.

Kihyun nods, eyes searching Changkyun's face.

“How,” he licks his lips, “how have you been doing lately?”

Changkyun shrugs a little, tries a smile, “well. I'm alive, aren't I?” A painful laugh.

“You are, but are you eating and sleeping well? You seem alot more rough, Changkyun.”

Changkyun remains silent.

Kihyun inhales, “Before we were together, we were friends. I don't want to lose that, I care about you. How can't I when you were one of the closest people to me, long before we started dating?” Kihyun composes himself, suddenly looking a little insecure.

“I want to care about you, Changkyun. I don't want to forget you or throw away the years of friendship we had. I want you to stay in my life and me in yours, if you want.”

  
Changkyun swallows, finding it extremely hard to concentrate on the words leaving his ex's mouth. He's torn. He wants to be heartbroken and sad, but a huge part of him just misses Kihyun. Not only as a lover but also as a friend. He misses being around Kihyun and, for some reason, so does Kihyun. He's a little confused, not understanding why Kihyun would still want him around. Of all things,Changkyun wasn't expecting this. Anger, exasperation and resentment, yeah, he is already on his way to accepting that. But missing him, wanting him around? Changkyun is speechless.

  
“You want us to stay friends?” When Kihyun nods, not a hint of lie in his eyes, Changkyun stares at him, bewildered.

Kihyun's eyebrows furrow ever so slightly as he studies Changkyun's face. Kihyun could always read him like an open book, so his next words don't surprise Changkyun.

“You...did you think I hated you? I-”

“Hate.”

“Changkyun. I could _never_.”

Kihyun reaches his hands out towards Changkyun before stopping just shy of touching him. He awkwardly retracts them, and that's when Changkyun laughs inside. _They're sat close, so close, but the distance between them feels as huge as an ocean._

“Changkyun, you're my friend, my brother, and our relationship doesn't change _anything_. We can still lay on the sofa past midnight watching those crime shows you like. We can still walk Sanche together without telling Jooheon. We can still play that damn game Minhyuk is obsessed with and have you continue to smash my character into bits. We can-- we can still hang out. Li--woah, are you crying?”

  
Changkyun breathes out, wiping at his slightly at his eyes, “I'm not crying,” he mumbles.

“I was so sure you hated me,” he is overwhelmed with relief, drowning a little in it.

“Never,” Kihyun shakes his head, “never could I ever.”

  
Inhaling, Changkyun finally faces up to look at Kihyun, gaze unwavering. He takes in the eyes filled with hope, the sincere smile. He thinks back to their friendship, which he blindly buried under their relationship. And he misses Kihyun, he really does. The moments they've shared as friends shine more brightly than their moments as lovers, Changkyun thinks, and he would do anything to bring that back. It's then he decides, he's willing to rebuild the crumbling bridge that connected them in the first place. He flattens his palms on the table and speaks.

  
“Kihyun.”

Kihyun tilts his head, listening attentively.

“From zero,” he starts, “we can't erase or forgot everything. But if we can't turn back time, then let's start over again. From today, from zero.”

  
Kihyun nods slowly, and then, the brightest smile breaks out on his face as he reaches his hand out.

  
“It's lovely to meet you, I'm Kihyun.”

“Changkyun, and likewise. I'm sure we'll be good friends.”

“We will.”

 

  
It'll take time, that's a given. But that's nothing compared to Changkyun's will. It won't be easy, and Changkyun is willing to power through it. For Kihyun, yeah. But he himself too.

  
With the right amount of time and patience, he'll end this chapter and start again.

 

_From zero._

 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's the end, I hope it was somewhat good. Thank you for reading till here💛


End file.
